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December 7th, 2008
06:54 am
Life really isn't fair. I've got this dogma, that everything happens for a reason. I like to keep true to that, but it just sucks when you don't see the point in something. It seems senseless.
Not the greatest way to start my day. Come January 5th, he would have been 25. He never saw past 23.
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December 2nd, 2008
05:47 pm
It took a little while, but Jesus Christ! I'm happy right now.
I'm really over all of it. It took a short amount of time, which is surprising. But despite the fact that I'm single, the job that I love is about to end - taking with it the fact that I get to work with very good friends on a daily basis...I'm really really happy. I feel like I'm living in a fleeting moment, and I don't want to take it for granted. I don't want to forget what this feels like.
It's almost like my heart is beating a little bit faster than it normally does/jumping in a moonbounce. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter, because it does to me!
I'm still not calling him, though. I don't want to kill my buzz.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/smile.gif) good
Current Music: Beirut - Elephant Gun
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November 30th, 2008
06:16 pm
I'm feeling undeniably reflective right now. I should be feeling the urge to get up and get dressed for dinner, but...I'm not.
I feel older than I am a lot of the time. Underneath the veneer of a 23 year old, I feel aged. Sometimes I let the young adult run rampant...after which I look back, surprised and annoyed at my behavior. Not like I'm out of control, mind you, but it makes me feel flighty when I get back to my roots.
I naturally hold on to grudges. I'm really really good at it, and I think that bearing down like I do makes me feel stronger and more powerful. But when I'm alone, like I am now, I think back on situations and re-evaluate. Should I contact that friend that was lost due to misunderstandings? Or would it be weak of me to give in to a cause that I feel is just? In the end, doing nothing is easier.
I really do think that everything happens for a reason, and that the very awful stuff shapes who we are. I'm not saying that I'm an unfortunate soul...I am SO very blessed (even if I don't believe in God) and I am a very lucky individual. But I'm no stranger to rejection. I see now that I'm a more grounded person, a more humble person for it.
I'm not a teenager anymore but I feel like I'm still on the fringes of it, surrounded by youth that is impetuous and obnoxious and loud. I see it as behavior that buries insecurity, and it's a very invisible cloak. I think that the rejection that I've gone through in life has plastered my insecurities on the outside of me...I can joke about them and be alright with it. Those insecurities just don't matter that much to me anymore. I know I'm a well-balanced person who is going about life the way that she wants to.
I guess my last relationship really made me see that. I was accused of being controlling. It took a lot out of me when the finger was first pointed, but now? I've looked back, a lot, and realized that I would have done everything the same way again. I wanted to see him a lot, but after surveying other couples, I found that I was correct - he and I didn't see each other enough. And I got pushy about one subject, the election. Had I known another way to approach the subject, had we sat down and had an intellectual discussion about it - his feelings versus mine, I would have known how to proceed differently. But that didn't happen. And this isn't me shirking responsibility...I've definitely done that in the past. This is me seeing with open eyes. I've tried to crucify myself for the downfall, but people who are definitely impartial boosted my esteem and called me crazy. It's funny when being called crazy makes you feel sane.
And what's even more hysterical is that after all of that...I realized that what I had with him really did pale in comparison to a connection that I had with someone else. A connection that I've worked very hard on to push out of my head. The details are coming back into focus, and...that's what I want. Granted, the religious persecution and the objectifying could have been done away with, but there was a magnetism that I'm so glad that I fought for at the time. If I hadn't, I'd be sitting here wondering "what if", and that was my goal at the time. I really didn't want to look back and say that I didn't do my damnedest for it.
So, that's where I am right now. Alone, but loved, and with a cavalcade of friends that I'm so grateful for right now. I'm secure in who I am and what I do, and I feel fairly attractive, so...yay.
God, I'm verbose when I'm contemplative.
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November 25th, 2008
08:45 am
Aaaaaand...it's back.
To remedy this, I am going to start Breaking Dawn, and then clean my room. And then go to Magic Kingdom, hang out with my best friends (old and new), and reconnect with Maryland friends tonight.
No biggie.
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November 22nd, 2008
07:31 am
So, today was to be judgment day. I gave myself a week from the last tear shed in order to allow myself to make any contact. And then last night I dreamt that he told me that he almost had sex with an former roommate of mine, and I yanked on his balls for it.
HA.
It was definitely one of those dreams that you want to forget the second that you wake up. I'm taking it as a sign that my subconscious just isn't ready yet. And to be honest?? I don't really know that I want to make contact. Something has entered my life that has caused me to reevaluate everything, to raise my standards, and have more beautiful friends.
Literature.
Yup, that's right. The heartache - which wasn't so much centered around him as it was around relationships in general - has been cured by a certain saga of books, and has reminded me how much I actually like reading. I read the first in two days, the second in one day, and I started the third this morning. I haven't been this voracious since age eight, when my appetite was quenched by the latest installment of these gems -
My tastes haven't much progressed, to be honest. I'm still satiated by books that a grade-schooler would read, albeit a precocious and tenacious grade-schooler.
I love Edward Cullen. I've to nothing more to say.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/surprised.gif) awake
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November 18th, 2008
10:31 pm
I distinctly remember him telling me on a couple of different occasions that he doesn't like waiting in lines.
I agreed with him, but also noted that a lot of bonding can be done while waiting in a particularly long line. And I realized today, while in line to meet Mickey and Minnie Mouse on their 80th birthday, that I really don't mind standing in line for a while, especially if the company is good and the reward at the end it worth it. I had a genuinely wonderful time today, and the highlights of the day happened while waiting in line.
It's amazing what working at Disney does to a person. I'm making analogies about queues, for Christ's sake. But it does make a lot of sense. And I'm kind of coming to terms with it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/tired.gif) sleepy
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November 17th, 2008
06:39 am
This still sucks. I hate that it was the first thing that I thought about when I woke up. Yesterday was good...really good. I thought about him, but it wasn't a constant buzzing in my head. But I guess that's the hard thing about breakups...the highs and the lows. It's like withdrawals. And it's funny, because I'm suddenly remembering a whole bunch of research that I did during my previous relationship - that being in love is like because addicted to drugs, heroine in particular. The same stuff turns on in our heads.
That's....comforting, in a way. I wasn't sure that I'd loved him. I wasn't positive that I wanted to be with him, or that I wanted to be in a relationship. I suppose that it really was him. Damn.
Ha, that was a revelation right there.
He was THE PERSON that I had for eight months. He was the one that I called first with good news. The one that I turned to first when my family was driving me crazy. The one that I wanted to be with during down-time. And now he's not. But I still want him to be. I want him to turn around and look at when he's done, rather than turning and running from it. I want him to look at me, honestly and earnestly, and realize that it will never get better than this. I am hard to be with, I know that. I am passionate when something means something to me. I push people, but I do it so that they'll be the best that they can be. I demand a lot, but only because I give a whole hell of a lot. And it's not hard for me, it's just the way that I am. I care about people, and I love people, because I treat loved ones the way that I'd like to be treated.
The only conclusion that I can come to is that he just doesn't want to be with someone like that. Maybe, like what I assume about Ben, he just wants an easier life. A girl that smiles, a girl doesn't challenge, a girl that isn't an intellectually-similar mate that can argue with him and sometimes be right. I thought more of Jason. I saw the family that he came from, and assumed from the few things that he told me that he didn't want a relationship like his parents have. That he respected the fact I was smart enough to say, "Don't make those denigrating jokes about me. Look at what taking the brunt of that joke makes me look like."
...or, maybe (because I'm optimistic to a fault) he doesn't want those things. Maybe he will see the light. Maybe it'll take him some time, and he'll realize that I really am worth putting his life on the line for, that giving in to me is worth it, because I'd give in for him. I think that right now he knows that I'm his superior, and that giving in to me admits that. But really? It doesn't. Because I might possess all of these qualities that a human possesses after tons and tons of life experience, but I'm a hopeless romantic who believes that professions of love should be gigantic, just like the movies. I'm so strong about some things, but I'm really weak about others. Although I really wish that striving for a love like that wasn't viewed as sappy.
I didn't cry yesterday. I'm going to do my best not to today. We'll see what happens. My goal is one week.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/blah.gif) listless
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November 11th, 2008
08:54 pm
When you've lived with a label for eight months, it's really scary to know that you have to go back to what you used to be.
I gave a lot. I compromised a lot. It sure does suck when it's not appreciated, you're disrespected, and the other person just lets go.
I really have to raise my expectations.
Current Mood: let down
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October 29th, 2008
12:33 am
How cool am I? Cool enough to have Glenn Miller on my MySpace profile. Yeah, THAT'S RIGHT. What other 23 year old do you know with Glenn Miller on their MySpace? I'm going to venture a guess and say NONE.
Training for Guest Relations has left me with very few hours this week, and a lot of time off. I'm taking it in stride and biting the bullet when I ask my parents for money. I'm using the free time to clean, rearrange, and reorganize. I'm not doing it terribly efficiently, but with Super Soap Weekend, Thanksgiving, and the holidays coming up, I won't have a lot of down time...so I'm enjoying resting up and sleeping in.
Speaking of GR, I'm enjoying it so far. I don't really like being new again, and I don't like wearing the "Earning my Ears" tag, but...it's an experience in humility. So far it's been pretty easy, it starts getting tough with the ticketing program (ATS) and Lobby training this week. I'm excited to hear all of the complaints about the new High School Musical show, though! And I'm beginning to wonder if they really DID get all of the costumes from Hot Topic or not...
Relationship has taken a detour onto Rocky Road. I believe that we can get through it, it's just going to take some time. It seems like seems like something is always happening to one or the other, though. Be it new jobs, house-buying, health ailments...special considerations are always having to be made for stress levels. I suppose if this is something that lasts though, we'll have the battle scars to prove that we can weather anything. But, I don't talk about him and I being together for that long, because I'm working very hard to take this one day at a time. It's all good so far....eight months good!
Oh, and? He got me tickets to see Coldplay. They're label seats, meaning they originally belonged to Capitol Records....awesome, right?? Apparently, the best seats in the house. I'm scheduled to work that night, and am doing all in my control to not be. I'm not getting too excited until I know that I'm able to go.
I should probably sleep. I have a big day ahead....Toyota dealership to have a part that I already paid for installed, lunch with Jason, and an evening of pumpkin-carving at Cody's. Good day!
Current Music: Jonas Brothers - Lovebug
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October 13th, 2008
06:27 am
I just sent the following to CNN...
I'm a regular watcher of CNN and was very intrigued by a Campbell Brown special yesterday about racism during the race. Needless to say, I was a little surprised when I turned on American Morning to see three black men being interviewed about why (GASP!) they're not voting for Barack Obama. Seriously?? I'm white...would you like to interview me about why I'm not voting for John McCain?
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October 12th, 2008
07:35 am
Well, it has certainly been a crazy couple of days.
Things are going very well at PhotoPass for me, right? I'm getting along swimmingly with the managers, the coordinators seem to trust me now, I have friends that I'm happy to see on a daily basis. I've been specifically chosen to shoot special events and entrusted to handle important projects. Furthermore, I've been told that I'd been great as a trainer, and was just interviewed for that yesterday in a very relaxed atmosphere.
Problem? Disney might finally be recognizing how awesome I am.
About two weeks ago I was unofficially told that Magic Music Days, a line of business that handles the children's performing arts programs that come to Walt Disney World, wanted me for a coordinator position this holiday season. Yay! It's a short-term temporary position that carries a lot of reputation.
So I've been waiting for a call from Casting, because at Disney, it's not official until you hear from them.
And I got my call, all right. Casting called to inform me that Guest Relations wants me. The position that I applied for a year ago has finally pulled through. I'll be at Disney's Hollywood Studios in one week.
It kind of sucks, because I was starting to get excited about MMD, and now I'm going to miss the opportunity to get into the Fairies room, but I am still being considered for trainer, so that's good.
When it rains, it pours!
Current Mood: awake
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September 23rd, 2008
08:47 am
I had a dream last night that I was on a platform that hung mere centimeters over a pit of hundreds of crocodiles. There was another platform, and a very dangerous looking bridge that didn't do it's job very well, dipping into the crocodile pit. A pile of crocodiles lie on it, and crossing it would require me to hop over them.
I was with two unidentifiable friends and Jason. The friends crossed first, and then he, all with grace and agility. I refused to cross, too afraid to do so. At some point, the water drained, and the crocodiles all disappeared. I was able to cross with no problem.
After doing a little bit of research on dream interpretation, it all makes a lot of sense.
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September 3rd, 2008
10:17 pm
California is awesome. Nothing is perfect, of course, but this trip has been pretty incredible.
I met Valerie, which was an experience nine years in the making. And really? That couldn't have gone better. The first hour was a little...indescribable. It's hard for me to describe what that was like to anyone because what I've got with her is so unique. It was completely comfortable though, and all that I hoped it was going to be. Plus, her boyfriend is hilarious and adorable.
The half-marathon didn't go as well for Jason as he wanted it to, but I was so glad to be there for him. It was an inspirational event, and I got some spectacular pictures. I'm incredibly happy to be here with him, and I feel like our relationship has gotten so much stronger during this trip. I really feel like everything is mutual between us now.
And celebrities! Yesterday morning I saw Seal and Heidi Klum prepping for a day of Disneyland, that evening I saw Stevie Wonder at dinner, and today I met the woman that began the Guest Relations department for Disney parks - Cicely Rigdon. I got to visit the Disneyland Dream Suite, the Mickey Mouse Penthouse, the Pirate of the Caribbean Suite, and ride in Walt Disney's private train car around the Disneyland park. Incredible! A nice chunk of those experiences are thanks to Jason, and I'm so thankful to him for it. I'm going to be posting the pictures on my Facebook account, so...check 'em out!
I'm going to bed now in preparation for a long day of Glendale, Burbank, and Hollywood tomorrow. Can't wait!
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August 23rd, 2008
08:49 pm
Life is considerably more wonderful in the past week than it has been in a while.
I'm really digging PhotoPass now that I've been character trained. How many of you get to hang out with Sleeping Beauty every day and get paid for it? How many of you can say that you've been tickled to death by Goofy? And how often does a person get to be praised by Mickey and Minnie? In short, Toontown is kind of awesome. It's almost like a new job, to be honest. I was scheduled there everyday last week and I loved it so much that when it came time to bid for our positions for the next six months, I chose the backside of Magic Kingdom. This means I'll primarily be in Toontown, the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, with characters, and INDOORS. Hopefully I'll be trained for Cinderella's Royal Table, too. :o)
This means that my gnarly tanlines will soon fade into oblivion, and with Wednesday/Thursday off I am free on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, and my 24th birthday. YESSS.
I'm turning 24 next year. Crazy. Sorry, sidetracked.
The boyfriend has been pretty incredible the past couple days. He got a job that he's been vying for and deserves. It drives me crazy that he's so damn lucky and I'm queen of rejection, but...whatevs. I'm happy for him, and with this promotion he's suddenly become the happy-go-lucky kid I fell in love with. And he'll be 9-5, Monday-Friday which will bring a sense of regularity to our irregular schedules.
I've come to realize how terribly unhappy he was working where he was working. If that was what was causing him to be so temperamental, which I think it was, I'm really really glad that he won't be there for the next few months.
I'm eating better. I've lost a little weight.
In one week I leave for CaliforniaExtravaganza 2k8. I CAN NOT FREAKING WAIT. I'm so stoked, you really have no idea.
Life is good.
Current Mood: calm
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July 17th, 2008
11:26 am
Things are going a lot better than they were last month. June was bound to be kind of shitty. I made a huge, life-altering career change; that's going to be difficult even if it IS for the better, which...it is. My boyfriend came back from a life-altering vacation and made some life-altering decisions; we plowed through that and are on our way to being closer and tighter than before. My brother had to deal with his girlfriend leaving, which...I don't know, we're still not doing well, so...whatever.
Things are perking up, in short, and I am happy about it.
Current Mood: better
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July 5th, 2008
07:24 am
I'm feeling a lot better. I hope to God that I'm not getting my hopes up.
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June 29th, 2008
10:34 pm
I wish that I could go back to about a week and a half ago. Knowing what I know now, I would have done things a little differently.
One thing is sure, though...I am so so so glad that I've got my rock. She tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, but does it in a way that makes me think and feel like the level-headed person that I actually am.
I invested a lot. I'm pulling a lot of the funds out of the account, but not closing it completely. I still have faith.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/blank.gif) empty
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June 4th, 2008
11:32 pm
I just saw Sex and the City. It was good, solid, what I expected to be. I watched in the manner in which I've seen nearly every episode of the show - all by myself. I went to that movie theater, and, without shame, purchased a ticket for one.
It's sort of like meditation for me...I sit, and watch, and identify. I do believe it has caused me to cry in the past, although it didn't tonight. Very cathartic, right? I enjoy Sex and the City in a way that I want to believe is different from other females, because I hate how cliche everyone makes it to be.
Whatever. It was good, and I spent what was left of my AMC gift card on Carrie Bradshaw and Sour Patch Kids. Try the watermelon ones...they are out of this world. No lie.
I'm still crazy in love with Jason. We talked last night (in a really good way!) and I'm not going to divulge anything here because it's all very personal, but I feel so lucky and fortunate to have found him. I didn't think that I'd find someone who would tell me that they want to make me smile in the morning when I wake up and smile as I go to sleep every night.
I'm sort of done with PhotoPass training. Only sort of, though. I go out on Friday by myself, and I don't know how I feel about that.
I'm continuing to network with the company to get where I need to be. Even if that place may be something that I'm a little beyond at this point, I need to say that I've done it.
I get to sleep in again tomorrow. I'm so thrilled about it.
But for now? Laundry.
Current Mood: calm
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May 23rd, 2008
08:05 pm
I had plans of not only hanging out with Katherine tonight, but actually getting stuff done around the house. Neither of these things are happening. I'm still wiped out from seeing Indiana Jones at midnight on Wednesday, which, by the way? I loved. I have a schoolgirl crush on Shia LeBeouf. Yes, he is younger than me...but so is my boyfriend, so likin' the youngin' is justified and validated from here on out.
Speaking of LeBoyfriend, he's been in Alaska FOREVER with his family on vacation. It's driving me nutty. I could deal with it at first, but knowing that he's coming home on Monday...that it's so close but so far? Guh. I love him, and I just want him to come home so that we can sit around and do nothing.
Speaking of doing nothing, I'm going to do just that now.
Current Mood: sleepy
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May 22nd, 2008
09:53 pm
Devil wears Prada, beotch.
My first pair of glasses in like, six years!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/hyper.gif) excited
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